YOU CANNOT REPLACE ONE LOVER WITH ANOTHER.
YOU CANNOT REPLACE ONE LOVER WITH ANOTHER.
YOU CANNOT REPLACE ONE LOVER WITH ANOTHER.

no one will ever make me feel the way you did.
trust me, i’ve tried to find him.
and sometimes when i see boys i could like,
i think to myself,
“he probably kisses better and knows how to use his tongue.”
“he probably genuinely thinks i’m pretty and not just a body with the right parts.”
“he probably cares more about social justice issues.”

i can make boys laugh.
i can be their friend.
but i cannot be seen as a sexual being to them.
it’s such a contradiction.
i want them to see me as a sexual object,
but i want them to respect me at the same time. 

i just want to be beautiful.
i just want them to think that i’m beautiful.
i just want you to think that i’m beautiful.
i just want to be whatever you want. 

First of all, makeup’s just an anglicized, colonized, commodified utility
that my sisters have been programmed to consume,
forcing them to cover up their natural state
in order to imitate what another sister looks like in her natural state
because people keep telling her
that the other sister’s natural state is more beautiful
than the first sister’s natural state.
At the same time,
the other sister isn’t even in her natural state,
because she’s trying to imitate yet another sister,
so in actuality, the natural state that the first sister’s trying to imitate
wasn’t even natural in the first place.

- Slip of the Tongue Poem

2

next stop, vegas please?

the worlds we create that are so far from reality.
my body was everywhere; billboards, fliers, trucks, scattered on the ground.
in cages, on poles, in nets above my head at the club.
not even my whole body, just parts.
“ass and titties”; i mean that’s really all a woman is, right?

and the boys, catcalling, yelling drunkenly at their female counterparts.
these are not men. these are boys.
they feel empowered by their booze.
empowered enough to feel entitled to any female body.
and that girl they catcall at is just a lost, confused girl.
we must be so much; virginal, but open to whatever he wants.
i must be sexy, but not too sexy. 
i must be sweet, but not too naive.
I’M JUST A GIRL!

but, then again, you’re just a boy,
and i shouldn’t expect any more from you.

i will never be enough for these boys;
never enough for this world.
my tummy is not flat enough,
my ass is not round enough,
my face does not have enough make-up,
my skirt is not short enough.

because the garden in my heart is real.
the flowers are not still in their pots;
they are planted in rich soil and watered with any love i have left.
the roots grow deep into my soul and reach to my toes.

my body is not for fliers to be scattered on the dirty city ground.
my body is my temple too.
my body allows me to cry and laugh and orgasm and hug and smile and feel. 
my body can burn from heat and go numb from cold.
my body is not for sale. my body was not made for you.

she asked me how many times a day i think of you.
i told her, i have no idea. too many times, i’m sure.
i admitted to her that i think of you when i look at myself.
everyday, i look in the mirror and wonder if you would think i’m pretty enough today.
i wonder constantly what i need to do, to say, to be, to change
to be the girl you want; to be whatever the fuck you are looking for.
i would do anything. 

i don’t want that.
i don’t want you to define me.
i want this to change.
i want things to be different.
you’re just hurting me.
you’re in or you’re out.
i hate ultimatums, but it’s time.
i can’t give you just my body without my soul attached.
that’s not what real girls are like, babyboy.

those girls in vegas may appear to only be a body,
but no human being is only a body.
i know the world has told you it’s ok to treat women like this,
but it’s not. i feel. i hurt. i care.

SO:
don’t ever tell me you care again.
you don’t. if you did, you’d help me end it.
don’t ever say that you haven’t done anything to me
or that you haven’t done anything wrong.
you think just because you don’t get mad,
or you haven’t explicitly put words to what you want from me,
that’s not how it happens.
i’m hurting and YOU are hurting me.
people who care about you do not hurt you repeatedly. they just don’t.
when you are kissing me,
don’t ever ask me what’s wrong.
you know exactly what’s wrong;
i know you don’t like me, i know you don’t want me for real.
you know that i know that, but i reply nothing and you keep kissing me anyway.

ya basta, babyboy.  
it will take time.
i’m not ready.
it won’t happen tomorrow.
i am so insecure and lonely and scared to let you go that i’m sure we will see each other again.
but it has to be over soon.
i am not your vegas, i am your jaramillo;
i am not a utopia; a body of scattered parts and simple feelings and an easy escape for you.
i am a real complex being with real beauty and real passion and real hope. 

1

Many people still confuse ‘attachment’ with ‘love.’ Attachments are about fear and dependency, and have more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you, because you’re empty. It’s about what you can give others because you’re already full.

- Yasmin Mogahed

When we are committed to doing the work of LOVE, we listen even when it HURTS.

- bell hooks

All of our dos and don’ts.

-you only call me at night. to keep me in the dark.
-you only kiss me in a sexual way. never with tenderness or care.
-you only want my body when it’s within reach. you will never reach further than you have to.
-you only want me when i’m happy. but i’m only human and i can’t always be happy.
-you only want to play the game when i make it easy. when i start to complicate, you want out.
-you will only keep me here until “she” comes along. but baby, “she” doesn’t exist.

PERFECTION WILL NEVER COME.

-i only call you when i feel alone. and i feel alone whenever you’re not around.
-i only want you to validate me; to fill a void. i despise that void. i wish i could rip it out of my body.
-i only want you so that you will want me in return. i don’t need love, i just need to know love is there.
-i only need you to hold my hand in places where people can see. i’m sick of being hidden in your truck, in your room-in all the dark places.
-i only want you to acknowledge me. stop pretending like we haven’t talked in years.
-i only text him so that it will hurt you. i want you to be jealous.
-i only want to give you whatever you want. until the day we end, that is all i will ever do.

he did text me. but he only wants one of two things: my body or my vote. it’s all political.
besides, i don’t want him anyway. i want you.

IT COULD ALL BE SO SIMPLE, BUT YOU’D RATHER MAKE IT HARD.

2

he’s supposed to care back at me.

tell me who i have to be to get some reciprocity.

round and round we go,
where we stop, no on knows.

i do legitimately wish i could end it.
and i know my friends think i can.
but i can’t. i really can’t.
it so much more complicated than just saying goodbye one day.